Spring Cleaning
Ah. Another semester comes to a close. I’ve been through this six times now and I’ve concluded that I will never be used to the weird, nostalgic-yet-hopeful feeling that meets me here every time. This semester has forced a lot of introspection. I think college is kind of like middle school on steroids. In middle school you’re figuring out who you are. In college you’re figuring out why you are. It’s weird. I guess it’s an appropriate time for another obligatory end-of-chapter reflective essay. I didn’t intend for those to be my “thing” but it just sort of happened. Probably because I’m a creature of habit and also because I basically live in my own head and I have to deal with my feelings somehow. Reflections help me do that.
I guess I’ll start from the beginning.
I started the new year off in Stillwater, OK where I sat in a stranger’s living room watching Taylor Swift sing in the New Year and playing Catch Phrase with a bunch of OSU students that I’d never met before. Unique experience, that one. Then I rode a bus to Nashville with two of my best friends to a freaking huge Catholic conference. Not sure what possessed me to say yes to that but either way, I gained a whole new respect and understanding of the catholic faith and Jesus revealed a new side of himself to me through it all. Basically every non-catholic person in my life hated it 🙂 so much 🙂 I went through a terribly lonely season even though I was surrounded by people I love. Through it, though, I learned grace, I learned how to open my mind and my heart, I learned how to treat people better and I learned that the lord doesn’t lead us into the desert to die – like in Hosea, he allures us there to teach us and reveal himself to us differently and so, so sweetly.
I learned that sometimes you’re the mess and sometimes you’re the one who has to clean it up. And sometimes, on the worst days, you’re both. I learned that Jesus was never mad at me. I learned how to serve well and that loving people is a scary leap of faith and a soft landing is hardly guaranteed. I read a lot of books. I went to Atlanta. I learned that love takes on many forms. Sometimes it sounds like, “Let me know when you make it home.” Sometimes loving someone means staying up late with them while they tell you about their day. Sometimes it looks like helping them move into 3 different apartments and sometimes it’s driving them to their doctors appointments when they don’t have a car. I learned that love rejoices with those who rejoice and – perhaps more importantly – it weeps with those who weep. Love stands up and fights. Love sits down and listens. Love endures.
I learned how to have hard conversations and I learned that I’ll never like it. It’s just not in me, ya know? I learned that I’m still pretty awkward. I reevaluated my role models and stopped listening to those who make their living by burning others at the stake. I worked on my first 48-hour film project. I made new friends and grew closer to old ones. I watched the entire first season of Grace and Frankie in one day. I moved into a new (very old) house. I lived another semester with the best roommates ever and they have continued to teach me selflessness and service and that real life is found in the moments between the milestones. I learned compassion and empathy and that if somebody tells you that you hurt them, you don’t just get to decide that you didn’t. I learned that the people I look up to the most are human like me. I learned that they have flaws and shortcomings and sometimes are wrong. Hard lesson, that one.
I got to do a lot of what I love. I took a lot of pictures and I got to work on a documentary. I got to know some people that are a lot different than me. I learned that I often take “normal” for granted. I spent an above-average amount of time in Oklahoma. I got to see some of my favorite artists in concert (also I got claustrophobic and almost passed out right in front of the stage but hey, can’t have it all!) I learned the overwhelming worth of every single person. I learned that all along, I was much worse than I thought but I also learned that I was much more loved than I thought. I shared meals with people I disagree with and I learned how to be a better leader. I sat in friends’ backyards and talked about God and life and love and all the things we’re scared of. I wondered at the stars and marveled at the fact that something as wild as the internet exists. I let other people’s stories affect me and I took more opportunities to serve other people – often in unpleasant, inconvenient, and boring ways. I worked on lots of teams and I learned patience and compromise and that I’m still painfully selfish at the end of the day.
I also spent this semester unlearning and undoing. I have been trying so hard to undo the damage caused by harmful lessons I’ve been taught my whole life. I’m unlearning how to use the bible to cut people down instead of point them to Jesus. I’m trying to undo damage caused by people I love who decide it’s easier to share hateful articles on the internet than to try to open a door for healthy discussion. I’m re-bridging, rebuilding, repairing. I’m unlearning how to demonize anyone that thinks or looks differently than me because regardless of what MSNBC or Fox News or your Facebook friends say, it’s much more fulfilling to build bridges than to ostracize.
I learned that you have to get out of your own little world. When you don’t, you develop a fear of change and diversity and newness. You do things like decide people who have tattoos or wear different colored pants than you are bad. You say terrible stuff like, “That’s just the way things are,” and you lump entire groups of individuals into one sweeping label.
I’m learning how to help mend that damage. It’s daunting but that’s a burden I’ve learned that I need to dedicate my life to. My eyes were opened to the importance and the weight of our words. I learned that young minds are so impressionable and that it matters what you say. Sounds simple. I learned that we’ve got to to speak life. We’ve got to speak truth and love to our children and our nieces and nephews and we have got to be mindful of the jokes we tell and the remarks we make in passing because they stick. I’ve spent a long time undoing so much that I grew up learning. I’ve spent so much time praying for the renewing of my mind and my perspective and the way I look at people. I’ve had to do a spring cleaning of my soul. I’m still cleaning.
One thing I learned (in Nashville) and I tell myself every single day, is that there is no “us versus them”. There’s only “us”. I tell myself that because it levels the playing field. It reminds me that we all kinda suck sometimes. We all have desires we wish we didn’t have. We all fall short. And we’re all loved immeasurably. I did a lot of searching. I asked a lot of questions. I embraced community and help that was offered to me. I helped others. I listened to good music and drove a lot of miles. I changed pants in the middle of 8-lane rush hour traffic (not recommended) and had lots of Scandal watch parties.
This semester was made up of hilariously awkward, messy, muddy moments. It was made up of inside jokes, shot nerves, sleepy, early mornings and t-shirts. It sounds like, “It will be better tomorrow” and “Can I buy you a coke?” It looks like blood, sweat and tears. It looks like snow days and sweet tea and Netflix marathons. It looks like chacos and sweatshirts and roadtrips and friends that turned into blood family. I’m filled with on-my-knees gratitude as I pack up for the summer. It makes me laugh to say that I’m a senior in college and that some people think I have my life together. I can’t wait to see what this summer holds, and I hope that you’ll come alongside me as I try out Irish life. Thanks for everything.
Livin' the Dream 
Beautiful!
Al – inspiring, truly.